Crossroads

Forefront of my life–
a hazy glaze of the past 
and its time ahead

Limitations of the now
though much to aspire,
yet what cannot be withheld
are the remains of my desire

Chances & choices
extending beyond a reach,
that longs for settlement
of a faith that seeks

To whom it may concern?
                  the effect of my deeds,
          those incessant needs,
  where this step leads

The havoc of silence
that mouths direction;
branching into the woven roots
that swallow in depth, my convictions

–a fine line that separates the peace of settling to the dangers of sinking;

Stand firm and set forth
This dusk promises for new hope.

Battle Studies

"The land of the free, and the home of the brave.."
(Last photo I took on Afghan soil)

With Kabul & the Afghan Parliament under attack by the Taliban yesterday, I could not really put a grasp around the idea that  I was supposed to be there right now. My room in Kabul shared walls with the Afghan police post that guarded the Parliament building, just 20 steps away. I sit here, in safety, writing this post and praying for the brave souls who remain there. 

But then I think of my flesh and its natural desires that wanted to be in the rubbles of such disaster and how God allowed me to flee from all of that. Leaving Afghanistan was the hardest decision I ever made, not because I was called to stay there, but because I fought against every dust of my pride that longed to remain in a safety zone for wallowing pity.

I find that such bravery came in disguise, as He delivered me from an inner place far more dangerous than that of lockdowns & Taliban– my heart. I praise Him because I am not there anymore.

"...for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

Buen Friday

Ready to take on this last day, in remembrance of the ultimate sacrifice that paid for my all.
In reflection of the past 40-some days of lent, a poem.
________________________________________________________________________


My thirst, unquenchable by the world
No single thing that can capture my all
The dry hours in my stillness,
reminding me of my failing attempts to satisfy the soul


This cry in my thirst,
triggered by my inability to replenish the self
At the marks of my belief,
I come bare with all my darkness exposed
For in that place, the longings of my parched soul are met;
in that moment, this self is held in secured captivity


Loss for words, in my blinded sight of Your grace
Weakened knees folded in my surrender
This pursuit of love you display,
silencing me in awe, 
unashamed in my brokenness


What I confess may fleet in the eyes of men
but in Your sight, take account Lord
May my obedience not be temporal
Make this transformation settle into stone
Take this thirsty heart, in its entirety
for I know you satisfy in whole.

Make a Dent

Lent begins in a few minutes.

I never participate in lent.. I never have.

But this year, Hillside is going through a series leading up to Easter called Season of Transformation.

As leadership, we all committed to giving up something for the sake of mindful transformation.


I have been anxious the past week, knowing that this 40-day struggle will begin...... and today, my palms started sweating as I drank my last cup of morning coffee.... and then I had a large genmai-cha from Cafe Dulcé before our meeting....... I will also share that I indulged in very many glasses of wine the past few days.......

and so there it is.

I am giving up all non-water beverages. * faint *

For me, this is a struggle against my physical, mental & spiritual state of being since I really cannot go a day without a combination of my morning espresso, my green & ginseng teas at work & my love for wine on nights-in and/or evenings-out........


But yes, I know that the struggle will be a beauty in the light of this season of being transparent & transforming before the cross.

I want to make a noticeable dent in my walk this year.

Last year was brokenness.
This year is transformation.

Onward.

Such y Such

Así es the vida–

Temporadas
de los días
that han pasados
y los que pasarán

sin parar.

Los momentitos

escritos.

–la que nunca falta;
sino llena las cua<3dras
en eterno, fully.

Sí, sí,
eres para
mí. Mi 


Fortaleza, Herencia,
por siempre;
Y así es Él,
Él que me quiere so.

Que Será, Será

2012, really? Just like that?

I swear I thought my Blogspot negligence was only a few weeks... or a couple months at most. The weird thing is, I came to this blog about two dozen times now since November, wanting to write about something, everything & anything. But every time, there was some sort of unsettlement in my thoughts & my words that would make the red X on my screen look so creepily inviting. I really wanted to recap 2011 before the new year rang in............. but oh well, so much for that.

But yes, 2011. What. A. Year.

In order to prevent myself from writing a 200-page satirical novel about my never-ending year, I will exert my thoughts into a form of poetry, called flow-etry. Whatever comes, I will write. I assure you that it will not make sense, nor will it be profound, let alone be entertaining. But really, here is to a God who endlessly pursues after my wandering heart. Every today is Your's.

___________________________________________________________________
In a Nutshell
by Your's Truly

January, Refresh & Repeats–
An afterthought of a momentous year;
        España, a romantical getaway with God
        New York City, a new light of determination
But revert back to square one to start it all off
on the wrong foot of such things as my failing flesh.

Month of de-romance
marking an end of an era
where a four-month separation with one
that shaped my adolescent heart,
came to its final halt, with no direction for where credit was due;
yet came settling in His sovereign grace & peace.

Decisions made, preparations ongoing, Afghanistan ahead.
                            days, weeks, months;
spent, or rather unspent onward His direction.

Digressing in myself, 
         so deeply 
                          s
                            in
                               king 
                               into the c  r ac   ks 
                               of the self-made.

The territory of terror
not nearly as dangerous than 
that of one's heart that cheapens His grace;
a place where those who hunger & thirst
are waiting upon the living Bread of Life.

Shootings, bombings, attacks
                    ...steps away from my hiding spot.

Meanwhile, celebrating my 24th, bedridden at the E.R.
Yet what trapped me more than the surrounding walls of barricade and illness
was the pit of my relentless heartache,
holding onto the end of my wholly commitment,
unwilling to surrender my fixed pride & pain.

My home of 80-so days described in 20 words or less:
Bare-riers of solitude, 
             captivated by His endless desire for my all, 
                                     pouring my weaknesses unto Him.

Reverse culture shock to Seoul–
Late night strolls by the river
State-of-the-art hospital beds
Overwhelming amounts of life
Piecing together myself
             in the company of
             a handful of greats.

                                                                    Going, going 
                                     Back, back

California Soul.
Searching peace.
Maker of Heaven.

Have.
Found.
Praise.

Where to conclude this story?
                                                 Hey look, it never began nor did it end there.

History, His story for me.
It keeps going.
He keeps yearning.
His grace keeps saving.

Not anyone nor anything, more than Him.
In any case, take it all away.
Whatever captures my heart more than You, release me.
Whatever makes me fall deeper into You, bless me.

A
firm foundation,
certain clarity,
true transformation;
                                 a year of settling.


Onward, 2012.

ggpwn3d #12- Coming to Terms

July 14, 2011
Kabul, Afghanistan
My room


It just hit me. I was eating a silent meal; a rare jewel for me here.

After a week-long of purging my mental & emotional state of disorder, I was defeated. Living in my confined space, day & night, close to no interaction with others; no outlet, no freedom, no accountability– overwhelmed. I counted the past 8 days of crying- not just a single burst of teardrops- but at any given moment, I found myself literally releasing all the suffocation & distress that I had piled inside of me. With barely any appetite for food after a month-long of my physical battle, I sat there and just went numb to the silence.

I reflected on my 44 days here. I then began to think about the whole process that led me to this point; from this experience having been just a thought.. an option.. a decision– mm, a decision. I came here, following not a command from God where it was forced upon me, but a thoroughly thought opportunity where I would exercise who I was in Him. I remember I knew 100% that even if I had chosen my other job option, He would have blessed me either way. He, who searches my heart, my thoughts, my desires and blesses me, accordingly.

Well, of course, being here, I have spent my time with God crying in distress, asking for clarity, wanting release.. from this place, from my guilt, from the bounded approval of others. I wrestled with Him.

But today, during my silent meal, I did a replay of the past new year since my version of "The Decision". I cannot say that it was a mistake or a regret. And it all clicked. If I had decided to let go of this experience, then the trail of events and changes that have happened since January would not be of existence today. I would give you a long, chronological list of examples, but I like to keep some part of my life a mystery. Therefore, I refrain.

Now onto Pastor Joey's prayer over me during my last Sunday commissioning service,

Father, would you receive her dedication & year-long sacrifice in full. Even if she cannot stay the entire time she has committed, would you bless her in its entirety. As when Abraham was obedient to lay down his only son, you took his faith over his sacrifice so that he would receive his blessings.

I remember when he prayed those words over me and it seemed foreign and a bit unexpected. In my mind, I paused for a second and thought, 'waittt.. whoever said I was not staying there the whole year?', and the words were somewhat fleeting. Perhaps because it had not made sense at the time/peak of my long, awaited departure, or perhaps because it was interrupting myself-glorified timeline.

And then it hit me! (yes, that ! was necessary) As I have been here, struggling and trying to find worth in my defeated self, I had been consumed about my committed time span; about all those who I would "disappoint" if I left early; about my guilt towards everyone.. the organization, my supporters, my family, etc. But in this moment, I remembered Pastor Joey's prayer. It had crossed my mind a few times since I got here, but I could not find peace with it because I did not want to justify my explanation.

Yet today, I saw it. I saw why he had prayed that over me. God had already seen my circumstances, before I came here & before I got to this frail tip of self-destruction– and had spoken those words to comfort me, now. That while I had been so caught up with the hype & excitement of "sacrificing" myself-made "strength", He had already seen my weakness. Sighahh, ggpwn3d.

And that is how all of this is no longer foreign to me. It was the moment I was longing for; the comfort that my tears and hours of pensive idleness failed to bring.

Thank you. Thank you for your timeless perfection; for not disregarding my rebellious heart and for bringing me sense & peace to my stubborn, self-absorbed battle.


No fretting. I am not taking the next flight out, yet.
So, to you who with your own explanations, I kindly ask that you refrain from making me fall into this pit again.

“Because [she] loves me,” says the LORD, 

“I will rescue her; I will protect her,

for [she] acknowledges my name.
[She] will call on me, and I will answer her;
   I will be with her in trouble,
   I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life I will satisfy her
   and show her my salvation.”

Psalm 91:14-16

My Golden Year

What a birth day.
The past 3 days, I was probably awake for about 12 hours of it. But I am now alive & well......(not completely, but compared to yesterday)!

If you told me a year ago, that I would spend my 24th birthday in Afghanistan.. in the ER.. feeling half-alive.. I would have laughed at your face.

But that was that; I woke up yesterday morning, feeling crummy & emotional from being sick on my birthday. My heart was racing at 120 bpm for a couple hours until the doctor at 'Sunday School' said I needed to get to the hospital. It so happened to be the last day that Dr. Tim & his wife would be with us, as their 7-year service to this country had ended. Dr. Tim started Afsher Hope Hospital, which is where I was admitted yesterday, and they were really great with me. Way better than the German Medical Clinic that I went the past few times.

My birthday party- no one showed up

2000 mL of IV Serums later.. my birthday present

Anyway, with my heart racing, fever going & stomach pains still around, I was stuck up with 2 doses of IV while getting my heart stabilized and tested with an EKG... then more blood tests & another failed stool test. (Guess how much it all came out to? 1000 Afs, which equals ~$23 USD, amazing.)

This post is not about yesterday though.

It is about my best birthday-to-date, 2 years ago, in Tipitapa, Nicaragua. Being in a place with no materialistic goods, but just the company of amazing people, enjoying the simple beauty of nature, His creation... is really more than anyone can ask for. I guess the difference between then & today, is that absence of good company, which I have come to realize that human beings are meant to be surrounded with people they love. That really makes all the difference in the world.

What I meant by the 'beauty of nature'..

Having no other care in the world

15 of my favoritest people (including t-tom behind the lens) & then some..

Yes, the dark thing in the middle in yours truly

Best birthday or not, I am learning to find joy in my circumstances, whether I am in the company of loved ones or not.. Perhaps this year will be Golden, in some way that I have yet to comprehend.

Happy 24th to me.