ggpwn3d #11- Conditions of Love

Love.

It has been an endless season of learning about this so-called love.
Even after years of it, it still seems to be the one concept that is so hard to grasp; the idea of love in its fullness, from God to myself to others.

We just finished a 5-week Spiritual Gifts small group series with Hillside last week. During the first week, we read through different passages in the bible where it spoke about these spiritual gifts that we attain once we are in the body of Christ. One of them was from 1 Corinthians 13; yes, the passage about 'love' that everyone always quotes, "love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast..." Tis the classic wedding verse or the go-to passage whenever we try to encourage how to love others in a godly manner. What was different this time around was that we read it in context from verse 1 to 3.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing." 

Without love in my heart/mind/actions, I am unable to give anything, be anything or gain anything. The gifts that we have and the people that are placed in our lives are not in vain. Within the present kingdom, we have the burden and responsibility to act out in love, or our lives would be meaningless.


On a slightly different note and back to the title of this post, I have been seeing the varied kinds of love that exist in my life. The 3 Conditions of Love: 1) unconditional, 2) conditional, 3) conditioned

The idea of unconditional love has seemingly become more of a mystery to me in the past months. Perhaps because I find how conditional and fickle the human flesh tends to be? I find that my love for myself and others falls short because of my pride/selfishness and just the sinfulness of my flesh. And then there is the conditioned act of love, where you live life thinking you love someone, which (could have) existed earlier in the days before, but along the way, the love just becomes a habitual act. This one scares me because sometimes you can not see that the love you give/receive might not be an active, present love. We get so blinded by the circumstances or the high's and low's of it all, that the presence of love disappears.

Simply put, it is impossible to always wholeheartedly love someone. So to imagine a God who loves me unconditionally kind of boggles my mind. It is hard to truly understand this love, but I read in Isaiah this afternoon where God reminded me: "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9) I will never be able to understand the fullness of His ways. Tis the faith that comes into play...

"For the LORD's portion is his people... In a desert land he [finds me], in a barren and howling waste. He [shields me] and [cares for me]; he [guards me] as the apple of his eye, like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions. The LORD alone [leads me]; no foreign god [is with me]." Deuteronomy 32:9-12

I read that this morning and got so owned. Before I seek him, he desires after me. I am HIS portion and He alone walks my way and guards my path. (?!) You are good, when there is nothing good in me.

Man, I really will never be able to grasp the ways of the Lord...
I want to love you so.

ggpwn3d #10- Omniscient is He

Hm,

not sure how to explain this vague thought.

During Hillside worship's response song/prayer time, Pastor Sam opens up the altar for those who are in need/want of prayer by him and Pastor Joey (our Hispanic pastor of King's Table). Being overly burdened these days from my sinful self, I forced myself up there and stayed crouched over for the whole song.

In my muddled thoughts, I managed to get in a few words of genuine plea to God. But I knew I was holding back. There was an impasse in my heart & my mind that was clearly redirecting my inmost desires; kinda like indigestion, but not. 

So there I was— on the floor, seeking internally, but struggling externally. Oh, the flesh.

As the song ended, Pastor Sam was in his benediction prayer when Pastor Joey put his hand upon my head and started praying for me. I will not repeat his prayer, but some key words he said were: memories, healing, battle.

I was blown- literally floored to the ground because his prayer was exactly the cry of my heart. How did he know? Srsly, it was quite a 'wtf' moment. (ughs + sighahh, in one) But really, this past week, I was brought back to something that I brushed under the rug very many years ago. Something that I never fully healed from, but forced myself to live past because He restores me, right? Something that I had never shared with a single soul except God. But when Pastor Joey prayed over me, God gave him those exact words because He knew that I was not able to say them from my own mouth. 

It broke me entirely because that is who God is. He knows my heart, my every thought, my deepest wants. It humbles me that even in my sinfulness, He still loves me so. He still wants my all; the all that I fail to give him. Yet he still pursues after me......... 

White flag,
I surrender.

Before a word is on my tongue
 you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain...

Psalm 139:4-6

ggpwn3d #9- Failing Flesh

A couple years ago, Pastor Paul gave his first sermon for our ikcm. It was my junior year in college, which marks the year where God started really moving in my heart. The sermon was about Psalm 73, where Asaph complains to God about how all the non-believers in the world live a luxurious life with no worries and such. You know, the same things we always grunt about to God, being the annoying, ungrateful beings that we are; or that I am, sorry.

Anyway, he comes in full circle and repents by saying, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:25-26)

That stuck with me ever since that day and I would meditate on that every single day. I wrote it on all my books, journal, planner, etc to remind myself that it is indeed the Lord who remains in me that gives me life.

I even got it tattoo-ed on my wrist last year. When I was away in Spain for my 4+ month-long date with God, he gave me the design for the tattoo. Twas cool. I really like my tattoo.

Besides the point. So knowing that this symbol on my wrist means exactly that--"..but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."... it has been owning me up every single day, especially this new year. You see, something that I realized about myself is that there is nothing good in me. 0%.

Here is how the verse should actually start: My flesh and my heart may fail...

I fail. even when my intentions are right... even when I repent before Him, asking him to free me from my self and to make me seek righteousness... even when I wake up to new mercies... even when I sighahh after getting owned from the Word... I fail.

My flesh is not able to produce anything good. With that, I find myself curling up inside and internally dying before God. He makes all things good. He makes me good. He makes me good. Why? (asking God, not my readers) It brings me to my knees. The amazing thing about grace is that there is more of it for me. The more of a sinner I am, the more grace I am given. Jesus came to heal the sick, not the righteous. I am sick. I am in need of His endless grace.

It is truly overwhelming. His grace. His desire for me.

A Word

Waking up each morning to a new day of mercies,

sighahh

Being hungry and getting fed daily,

sighahh

Pounding my fist yet His warm embrace,

sighahh

Questions and doubts– all timely managed,

sighahh

(Shout out to gnomie; non-cryptic)

sighahh

Nothing good in me, but defeated by an amazing grace,

sighahh.

None Sense

What days are worth when you know of their end; 

Can the absence of.. 

of ?–  be an act of –?

For what, do you see life today

or how about tomorrow-

will it be one of its own?

Where in my heart

does it reside; the existence of

my being.

Oh

there I see.

with whom would you spend it

and how will those be spent?

Haiku #3- Going, Gone

I think I will go-

to the land in need of love;

but where is my own?

Haiku #2- Mary Joseph Christ Mas

Today is the day

that I should never forget

because he was born.

ggpwn3d #8- Who I Am

My mental, physical & emotional state has been dwindling to the edge of its peak this past month.
I think I am at the brink of falling off, rolling down & forever ending up in the pitfall of my self destruction.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I have no control over my whole self.
I cry, inside-out.

God showed me how to be...  just to be, simple as that.
But I feel like I have been getting pushed closer & closer to the tip, unwillingly.
Now, my self (자신) looks like a cracked mirror, and I look ugly.

Forgiven so that I can forgive.
My self and those around me.


Anthem of My Self-

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I'm your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice