I started this post in April, but my thoughts were still a jumble, so I left it as is, without any written words; just a lurking reminder to myself to write it out like this:
What I have come to realize as I am no longer a girl, not yet a woman–
an awkwardly disproportional adolescent continually growing disfigured before my own eyes– is that every girl + woman, no matter her size, age, race, relationship status, social class, etc has an ongoing battle in her own mind, that distorts her identity.
I am guilty. I have been, as long as I can remember from the time I wore my first swimsuit to the person who walks out of the shower every day. At my stature, I can be considered "small" or "petite" by my height measurement, but the calculations of the rest of my
self punch out to be a "big, small girl". And you can totally judge me at this point, by telling me otherwise, but that is that. I am not saying that I always hate the way I look & feel, because what girl does not have a fat day? In my defense, there will
always be another girl who would want what I have, that I would want in someone else. (Though, there are some girls who I can stare at endlessly and not find a single flaw in their outer appearance... from which then on, I would train myself to think, "
God is fair. She probably has bigger insecurities than my muffin top & gelatin thighs.")
Where am I going with all this?
I hate to keep bringing up my time in Afghanistan,
like every single previous post, but it marks such a crucial point in my life thus far. So, I have to.
In my complete misery that lasted from June to August of last year, I reached a point where I was mentally, emotionally and physically distraught with barely any spiritual strength left in my being; though being in a third world country was really the last detrimental issue. I remember calling my bedroom a prison cell, where I would do reps of 100 sit-ups & 10-min jump ropes while making up any creative exercise that I found effective. Mind you, I was going diarrhea 15-20 times a day & surviving on less than 700 calories in my daily intake. It all began with the salmonella, which led to Typhoid fever & so on & so forth. But I think that all took me to a place where I was so lonely & messed up in the head, that the only thing I had control over was my lack of appetite & durability work outs.
Though I lost 12 lbs in those 8 weeks, I remember looking at myself in the mirror & seeing someone so ugly. At any other point in my life, I would have been so ecstatic for finally getting past my goal weight, but I was genuinely dissatisfied in my situation & my conditions.
"
I would rather be 12 lbs fatter & be happy than the person looking back at me right now." My thoughts reflected that statement & much worse because why? Because there really is no satisfaction in such things!
Now fast forward to this new year, where I was those pounds heavier & now, happy. I really was happy, in my circumstances and all the events that followed my feeble return. Then, I realized my words became reality and for some reason, when it clicked to me, I became unhappy again. How come there is no balance between the satisfaction of my weight & my happiness??????
That is the state that I have been overcoming in the past 3 months; wanting to find contentment in my true identity rather than the calculations on a scale. There is no end goal to what I want to look like at the peak of my joy. My end goal is Christ and my joy is found in Him. And guess what? It is everlasting. Then, who is this being that I keep exercising in my thoughts?
As a girl/woman/whatever level I am in this so-called 'womanhood', I have found that my
self cannot be based on the standards that I created in my twisted mind. He has redeemed me from such a place that there is no longer any separation from who I am in Christ and how I should view myself.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.
Again, I will build you, and you shall be built."
Jeremiah 31:3-4
How can I say that I am praising God for his works when I cannot find peace in my very own self-worth in Him? I am His new creation, worthy to call upon His name. Say whaaaaat? His work in me is truly beyond my comprehension, that it overtakes me;
all of me, in entirety.
Then, Stef,
why would you not value who Christ has redeemed in you?
What makes me ugly is not who I see in the mirror, but what lies deep within my soul– my unending sins. What makes me beautiful is then found in my restored image, created in the likeness of Christ himself.
"Above all else,
guard your heart,
for everything you do flows from it."
Proverbs 4:23
With that all said, LADIES, treat yourselves right & well. Be good to your heart, mind & soul. Let yourselves be the pursuit of Christ
before any guy. Be healthy, in your thoughts, actions, and standards. Do not let this world be the determinant of your joy. Join my efforts of living a balanced life, by feeding our heart, mind & soul with the Word & feeding our bodies with what is good. (Portion control is good, too.)
"She is clothed with strength & dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
Proverbs 31:25,30
Now,
that, is beautiful. I want to be just that.
