Why God brought me to Spain..

So, ever since I got back from Nicaragua.. (I feel like Nicaragua is now a measurement of my time) I have been waiting to write my testimony. Not sure of what exactly. I was so overwhelmed with the entirety of my experience that I did not know where to begin. Not just the trip itself, but the events that led me there and those that followed after. I felt like the story was just beginning and I cannot (understatement) even begin to describe in words the PERFECTION of God. Sighahh. One by one, things were happening that would confirm that perfection in my life.. that I would continually be left speechless. Each time, I would reconnect it back to the previous chain of events that had led me to that very moment. So in ways, my testimony from Nicaragua has been ongoing...

Now, I ended up in Spain for the past 3 months and of course, that story has continued as God has been unconditionally the same "yesterday, today and forever" Hebrews 13:8. I have not shared this experience during my stay here and for that, I suck. I now have about 40 days until I am back in the states! In some form of regret, I want to begin to share to praise Him while it is not too late. (Without just writing posts of the ambiguous "God is perfect" to me.)

Can I tell you that I have never felt God's love as much as I have felt it here in the past few months? That is not saying that he has never loved me the same, but it shows how much I have been seeking that love elsewhere in my life. As my readers (the very few, but faithful) have read, I came to Spain thinking that it would be an experience where I share God's love and where I can be the light in the darkness to live out the conviction I got from Nicaragua that missions is not a part of my life, but it is my life (which I still hold to). I thought that the Hispanic church I found with my Mexican co-workers before Spain was a form of practice and such. I had my plans and my interpretations of God's work since it was my life. See that? It almost screams like a spoiled attention-whore of a brat who just says "ME, ME, ME!"

Well, the first sin(s) I dealt with in my first month in Spain was this horrible, ugly thing called mr. pride. It is still something I struggle with so much, but God really broke me down and taught me to deal with it through a train of confrontations. (I have received a grade-F in this field my whole life.) 6 of them, in total. The amount of cloudiness in my heart caused by these relationships was definitely a reflection of mr. pride, yuck. Because of it, I was constantly battling within me. Once God led me through those, I felt a million times lighter (not physically, though I wish) and my heart was no longer weighing me down.

From there, I realized that my "mission" in Spain was exactly that.. my mission. ggpwn3d? Yes. What God had planned for me was súper fácil (translation: super easy).

Ready?

God brought me allllllll the way to Spain, half-way across from home, for my last quarter of my college years, with no one/thing around me, to tell me how much he has been loving me and how much he has been waiting on me to see that and to return it. I was so... touched? in awe? amazed? overwhelmed by how blind I had been... so broken by my ugly heart... and constantly complaining to God in my guilt, "Why...? How can you keep loving me so much?? Why is your grace so hard to grasp?? Why do you never stop pursuing after this ugly ugly ugly heart..." and then I would cry in sorrowful joy because His grace really is that good.

This made me see that I had another huge flaw. This sin of idols: People; being a person who is so relational and loves people, making constant efforts to show it and being satisfied and comforted by the return of their love. God has been dealing with this, especially in college. family, kcm, roommates, WaSa, f.o.l., david, UR, nk9 to mention the few. Even though my love for God grew throughout the years, my conception of loving him back was exerted through these relationships. I only had so many hours in a day to tend to all of them, right? So why not kill two birds with one stone and love God by loving his people? Wrong. I failed to love God first. MAJOR FALI. (yes, I meant to write 'fali').

So what does God do? He takes me right out of my self-made world of comfort and puts me in a location of solitude & strangers. It was a sense of loneliness that I had never felt before. Strangely, it gave me a sense of relief. I felt like I was able to breathe in relaxation for the first time since I can remember, without having to deal with all these responsibilities in my life. I did not have a family to drive home to every weekend, no work to wake up to, no one to make care packages for, no one to catch/meet up with, no meetings to attend, nothing! I even went through a month without Facebook. Imagine how that felt! This was all so new to me, even newer than the fact that I was living in Spain with a completely new culture & lifestyle.

This feeling of being pursued after by God... has made me find self-worth in Him. I have been meditating on a chapter of Psalm each week and this Sunday was Psalm 8.

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have in place... What [am I] that you are mindful of [me]..." Psalm 8:3, 4

That is how my experience has been in Spain. I have finally found a love that is flawless, that leaves me in awe every waking moment. God brought me here because he wanted me all to himself for once, where he wanted me to pursue him likewise. He went to great extents to make this known to me. Whatever my heart held onto for my own will, he took away. In that time, instead of growing bitter or confused toward him like I normally would have, I was humbled and broken by the intimacy in his love. Amazing, no? Who am I...

As I have been reading through the Old Testament while in Spain.. Every book has been speaking to me directly, in one way or another. From those, Hosea has been a reflection of my experience.. I will end it with this..

"She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them... Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her." Hosea 2: 7,14

 I, like Israel and Hosea's wife, found myself chasing after my own conditional heart. God brought me here, to my desert, to do just the same as he did with them. That is the God that I live for and love. He never fails me, but always satisfies me. He is my entirety and my portion. Saehoon, you told me during the early stage of my Spain experience that it seemed like I was in a desert? After reading this book, and it further confirmed God's awesome-ness. I am ready to go back home...