ggpwn3d #10- Omniscient is He

Hm,

not sure how to explain this vague thought.

During Hillside worship's response song/prayer time, Pastor Sam opens up the altar for those who are in need/want of prayer by him and Pastor Joey (our Hispanic pastor of King's Table). Being overly burdened these days from my sinful self, I forced myself up there and stayed crouched over for the whole song.

In my muddled thoughts, I managed to get in a few words of genuine plea to God. But I knew I was holding back. There was an impasse in my heart & my mind that was clearly redirecting my inmost desires; kinda like indigestion, but not. 

So there I was— on the floor, seeking internally, but struggling externally. Oh, the flesh.

As the song ended, Pastor Sam was in his benediction prayer when Pastor Joey put his hand upon my head and started praying for me. I will not repeat his prayer, but some key words he said were: memories, healing, battle.

I was blown- literally floored to the ground because his prayer was exactly the cry of my heart. How did he know? Srsly, it was quite a 'wtf' moment. (ughs + sighahh, in one) But really, this past week, I was brought back to something that I brushed under the rug very many years ago. Something that I never fully healed from, but forced myself to live past because He restores me, right? Something that I had never shared with a single soul except God. But when Pastor Joey prayed over me, God gave him those exact words because He knew that I was not able to say them from my own mouth. 

It broke me entirely because that is who God is. He knows my heart, my every thought, my deepest wants. It humbles me that even in my sinfulness, He still loves me so. He still wants my all; the all that I fail to give him. Yet he still pursues after me......... 

White flag,
I surrender.

Before a word is on my tongue
 you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain...

Psalm 139:4-6

ggpwn3d #9- Failing Flesh

A couple years ago, Pastor Paul gave his first sermon for our ikcm. It was my junior year in college, which marks the year where God started really moving in my heart. The sermon was about Psalm 73, where Asaph complains to God about how all the non-believers in the world live a luxurious life with no worries and such. You know, the same things we always grunt about to God, being the annoying, ungrateful beings that we are; or that I am, sorry.

Anyway, he comes in full circle and repents by saying, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:25-26)

That stuck with me ever since that day and I would meditate on that every single day. I wrote it on all my books, journal, planner, etc to remind myself that it is indeed the Lord who remains in me that gives me life.

I even got it tattoo-ed on my wrist last year. When I was away in Spain for my 4+ month-long date with God, he gave me the design for the tattoo. Twas cool. I really like my tattoo.

Besides the point. So knowing that this symbol on my wrist means exactly that--"..but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."... it has been owning me up every single day, especially this new year. You see, something that I realized about myself is that there is nothing good in me. 0%.

Here is how the verse should actually start: My flesh and my heart may fail...

I fail. even when my intentions are right... even when I repent before Him, asking him to free me from my self and to make me seek righteousness... even when I wake up to new mercies... even when I sighahh after getting owned from the Word... I fail.

My flesh is not able to produce anything good. With that, I find myself curling up inside and internally dying before God. He makes all things good. He makes me good. He makes me good. Why? (asking God, not my readers) It brings me to my knees. The amazing thing about grace is that there is more of it for me. The more of a sinner I am, the more grace I am given. Jesus came to heal the sick, not the righteous. I am sick. I am in need of His endless grace.

It is truly overwhelming. His grace. His desire for me.