July 14, 2011
Kabul, Afghanistan
My room
It just hit me. I was eating a silent meal; a rare jewel for me here.
After a week-long of purging my mental & emotional state of disorder, I was defeated. Living in my confined space, day & night, close to no interaction with others; no outlet, no freedom, no accountability– overwhelmed. I counted the past 8 days of crying- not just a single burst of teardrops- but at any given moment, I found myself literally releasing all the suffocation & distress that I had piled inside of me. With barely any appetite for food after a month-long of my physical battle, I sat there and just went numb to the silence.
I reflected on my 44 days here. I then began to think about the whole process that led me to this point; from this experience having been just a thought.. an option.. a decision– mm, a decision. I came here, following not a command from God where it was forced upon me, but a thoroughly thought opportunity where I would exercise who I was in Him. I remember I knew 100% that even if I had chosen my other job option, He would have blessed me either way. He, who searches my heart, my thoughts, my desires and blesses me, accordingly.
Well, of course, being here, I have spent my time with God crying in distress, asking for clarity, wanting release.. from this place, from my guilt, from the bounded approval of others. I wrestled with Him.
But today, during my silent meal, I did a replay of the past new year since my version of "The Decision". I cannot say that it was a mistake or a regret. And it all clicked. If I had decided to let go of this experience, then the trail of events and changes that have happened since January would not be of existence today. I would give you a long, chronological list of examples, but I like to keep some part of my life a mystery. Therefore, I refrain.
Now onto Pastor Joey's prayer over me during my last Sunday commissioning service,
And then it hit me! (yes, that ! was necessary) As I have been here, struggling and trying to find worth in my defeated self, I had been consumed about my committed time span; about all those who I would "disappoint" if I left early; about my guilt towards everyone.. the organization, my supporters, my family, etc. But in this moment, I remembered Pastor Joey's prayer. It had crossed my mind a few times since I got here, but I could not find peace with it because I did not want to justify my explanation.
Yet today, I saw it. I saw why he had prayed that over me. God had already seen my circumstances, before I came here & before I got to this frail tip of self-destruction– and had spoken those words to comfort me, now. That while I had been so caught up with the hype & excitement of "sacrificing" myself-made "strength", He had already seen my weakness. Sighahh, ggpwn3d.
And that is how all of this is no longer foreign to me. It was the moment I was longing for; the comfort that my tears and hours of pensive idleness failed to bring.
Thank you. Thank you for your timeless perfection; for not disregarding my rebellious heart and for bringing me sense & peace to my stubborn, self-absorbed battle.
No fretting. I am not taking the next flight out, yet.
So, to you who with your own explanations, I kindly ask that you refrain from making me fall into this pit again.
Kabul, Afghanistan
My room
It just hit me. I was eating a silent meal; a rare jewel for me here.
After a week-long of purging my mental & emotional state of disorder, I was defeated. Living in my confined space, day & night, close to no interaction with others; no outlet, no freedom, no accountability– overwhelmed. I counted the past 8 days of crying- not just a single burst of teardrops- but at any given moment, I found myself literally releasing all the suffocation & distress that I had piled inside of me. With barely any appetite for food after a month-long of my physical battle, I sat there and just went numb to the silence.
I reflected on my 44 days here. I then began to think about the whole process that led me to this point; from this experience having been just a thought.. an option.. a decision– mm, a decision. I came here, following not a command from God where it was forced upon me, but a thoroughly thought opportunity where I would exercise who I was in Him. I remember I knew 100% that even if I had chosen my other job option, He would have blessed me either way. He, who searches my heart, my thoughts, my desires and blesses me, accordingly.
Well, of course, being here, I have spent my time with God crying in distress, asking for clarity, wanting release.. from this place, from my guilt, from the bounded approval of others. I wrestled with Him.
But today, during my silent meal, I did a replay of the past new year since my version of "The Decision". I cannot say that it was a mistake or a regret. And it all clicked. If I had decided to let go of this experience, then the trail of events and changes that have happened since January would not be of existence today. I would give you a long, chronological list of examples, but I like to keep some part of my life a mystery. Therefore, I refrain.
Now onto Pastor Joey's prayer over me during my last Sunday commissioning service,
Father, would you receive her dedication & year-long sacrifice in full. Even if she cannot stay the entire time she has committed, would you bless her in its entirety. As when Abraham was obedient to lay down his only son, you took his faith over his sacrifice so that he would receive his blessings.I remember when he prayed those words over me and it seemed foreign and a bit unexpected. In my mind, I paused for a second and thought, 'waittt.. whoever said I was not staying there the whole year?', and the words were somewhat fleeting. Perhaps because it had not made sense at the time/peak of my long, awaited departure, or perhaps because it was interrupting myself-glorified timeline.
And then it hit me! (yes, that ! was necessary) As I have been here, struggling and trying to find worth in my defeated self, I had been consumed about my committed time span; about all those who I would "disappoint" if I left early; about my guilt towards everyone.. the organization, my supporters, my family, etc. But in this moment, I remembered Pastor Joey's prayer. It had crossed my mind a few times since I got here, but I could not find peace with it because I did not want to justify my explanation.
Yet today, I saw it. I saw why he had prayed that over me. God had already seen my circumstances, before I came here & before I got to this frail tip of self-destruction– and had spoken those words to comfort me, now. That while I had been so caught up with the hype & excitement of "sacrificing" myself-made "strength", He had already seen my weakness. Sighahh, ggpwn3d.
And that is how all of this is no longer foreign to me. It was the moment I was longing for; the comfort that my tears and hours of pensive idleness failed to bring.
Thank you. Thank you for your timeless perfection; for not disregarding my rebellious heart and for bringing me sense & peace to my stubborn, self-absorbed battle.
No fretting. I am not taking the next flight out, yet.
So, to you who with your own explanations, I kindly ask that you refrain from making me fall into this pit again.
“Because [she] loves me,” says the LORD,
“I will rescue her; I will protect her,
for [she] acknowledges my name.
[She] will call on me, and I will answer her;
I will be with her in trouble,
I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life I will satisfy her
and show her my salvation.”
[She] will call on me, and I will answer her;
I will be with her in trouble,
I will deliver her and honor her.
With long life I will satisfy her
and show her my salvation.”
Psalm 91:14-16
God is always watching over you. And as long as He is, you're always, always home. : )
ReplyDeleteYou're constantly in my thoughts and prayers. God broke you down(a blessing in my perspective)and I bet it hurt, but now, be excited for the even more amazing and wonderful CNY He'll rebuild you into.
Love Psalm 91 :)
ReplyDeletewrestle it out
ReplyDeleteestef!! i'm glad youre growing and learning through your trials and struggles. i remember sinking into a pit of despair one time when i got really sick in cambo, but what i learned from that experience was priceless. i hope you feel better soon. stay strong sistah!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because I was just talking about brokenness with some of the short-termers here the other day, and I agree with previous comments, that the brokenness must have hurt so much--but you've grown and the saving grace of God must have tasted so sweet.
ReplyDeleteI feel like God's getting ready to bring it out with me too soon--eek. I was really blessed by your post and I hope you are doing a lot better--I am still praying for you !! :)
it's amazing how I can know you better through reading your blog. This is amazing. Even I feel blessed through your priceless experience. Now I really can't wait to see you again next time and hear more about your stories with God. It's been very challenging for me to maintain relationship with God throughout college but in some mysterious way, after the trip, I've been craving for God. Yet, here you are, full of love and blessing, has approached me, emitting the sweetest fragrance of God! No wonder why i've been feeling this way<3 thank you unni!! please keep me posted with your amazing stories... p.s. I love reading your writing. you should publish your whole blog into a book. I'd totally buy it.:)
ReplyDelete